A series of really lame movies...

Man, yesterday turned out to be a drag, man. I just felt so lethargic. I wanted to listen to some music, but nothing I played sounded good at all. I was just in one of those moods. I tried watching a few movies and I just wasn't feeling them at all. It kind of made me angry.

First thing I tried to watch was the remake of The Hills Have Eyes. I've been hankering lately for some George Romero stuff, and I knew that something like this wouldn't have that kickass 70's B-movie feel, so I don't know what compelled me to turn it on. I'm not that much of a horror fan. I went through a phase a few years ago, but that was different. I was watching hokey stuff back then. Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, that kind of stuff. And it's not that this movie was scarier than those kinds of movies, but you could tell that they were really trying, and that was kind of a buzzkill. There wasn't any comic relief and the death scenes were too well done to have any humour to them, so it really took the fun out of it. I had to wonder during the opening titles why the editor preferred to be credited under an alias. I couldn't be sure if that was a good sign or not. I was thinking that A) The dude's real job is in snuff porn, or B) He was too embarrassed by this piece of shit film. But I gotta say, this dude Baxter did an alright job. Him and the other accredited pseudonym, tomandandy (who provided the film's score) were pretty good, since it's essentially the editing and music that decide whether or not a movie's scary or not, objectively speaking. But it's like I said, there wasn't any ironic humour to it at all like there was in the old days, so there wasn't anything to mask how anorexic the plot was. That's kinda important to me. With none of my senses being tickled, I turned this piece of shit off and made myself some Potatoes O'Brien.

After settling down from allowing myself to get duped into watching that piece of shit, I decided that I was still in the mood for a little suspense, so I tried watching Freedomland, starring Samuel L. Jackson and Julianne Moore. And over the course of enduring this snoozefest, I was struck by an epiphany: Samuel L. Jackson is way past his prime. It's really kinda sad. I know there are a lot of people who would disagree with me, but in my opinion, he hasn't made a good movie since A Time To Kill. That's twelve years ago. That's kind of funny, now that I think about it, because both of those movies have a lot to do with race. Honestly, it's been a while since I've watch A Time To Kill, so I'm unable to explain why that movie succeeds where Freedomland falls short. I was just not interested at all by Freedomland at all. Personally, I'd appreciate it if that dude just gave up. I can't remember the last time I got off my ass for one of his movies. They just all look like crap these days. Anyway, I wasn't feeling this Freedomland tripe, so I turned that one off too.

Almost immediately after that, I convinced myself that I wanted a little familiarity, so I flipped on Kevin Smith's Dogma, which I'd have to say is both his best and his worst film. It's kind of like Dr. Strangelove in that, if the subject matter weren't so heavy, the jokes wouldn't be nearly as funny. I still find it hard to watch because the acting is soooooooooo bad. Ben Affleck was horrible (as usual), Selma Hayak made me shudder on more than one occasion, and Linda Fiorentino deserved to be put to sleep for her performance. I've always been a big fan of Alan Rickman and Chris Rock's performances. I love that part when Rock's Rufus was explaining how he was able to survive after falling out of thin air, when he says, "Christ told me the secret to resurrection once when we were at a wedding in Cana, but...I got drunk and forgot it!" And Matt Damon was hilarious. That guy better win a Best Actor Oscar someday. He put everyone else in this movie to shame. To shame. Is there anything else to say about this flick? Hmm...well, there was a lot wrong with it, but there was enough that was right that you were able to look the other way.

I was satisfied for a little while, but a few hours later, I was hankering for another laugh. I'm normally not into the Disney movies, but I decided to give one a try. The Wild was not a good re-introduction. The animation was really, really ugly. And on top of that, Jim Belushi lent his voice to it. Fuck that guy. I wanted no part of this.

I said the same thing to Pulse. Not that I was surprised or anything. It was just so fuckin' drab. And even for a movie where the plot revolves around our dependence on technology, it felt too topical to feature cell phones and and text lingo as predominantly as they were. That kind of shit makes my skin crawl (I had the same trouble with Juno; I thought a lot of the lingo used in that film could have been put into a time capsule to exemplify how teenagers spoke in the early 21st century). And it occurred to me while I watched the 20 minutes of this movie that I was able to sit through that I'm not a Kristen Bell fan; I only liked her when she was playing Veronica Mars. I've never had any desire to see her in anything else she's done, and I doubt I'll be tuning into anything else of here anytime soon (and yes, this goes for her upcoming comedies Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Fanboys). I already knew how this movie was gonna end anyway; while I think it'd be a good idea to do that kind of thing and wish society would take more steps in that direction, I wish there was a more credible movie to advocate it than a piece of junk horror flick like Pulse.

Desperate for something entertaining to watch before I went to bed, I reluctantly turned on the 2006 holiday favorite Night at the Museum starring Ben Stiller and the delectable Carla Gugino. And I gotta admit, I had a lot of fun watching it. It was cute. If you haven't seen it and you're looking for a light-hearted good time, check it out, man.

That's about all I got for now.
Peace be with you.